Get Your Ex Back

Six Techniques to Save Your Failed Marriage

2009-05-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

Do you feel like you marriage has failed overnight? It’s a pretty awful feeling to wake up and realize that your relationship has turned sour… but in most cases, it doesn’t really happen all at once. Things have probably been getting bad for a while… and at least one of you has been in denial.

See, it’s the little things that build up over time and eventually destroy a marriage. She doesn’t have dinner ready on time; he forgets to take the trash out; she spends too much time watching television; he spends too much time in the garage. These things aren’t a big deal by themselves, but pile them up over time, and you can find your marriage in real trouble.

Fortunately, very few relationships are past the point of saving. There are techniques that you can use to start rebuilding your relationship… even if your spouse isn’t ready to start trying yet. It’s going to seem like an uphill battle at first, but as you start making improvements, your spouse will take notice, and will want to hop on board. And when you’re both working to restore your failed marriage… there’s no way you can go wrong!

You can get started saving your failed marriage today with these six simple techniques:

1) Take time to do little things for your partner. Small acts of kindness and empathy are like unexpected jewels for your partner – especially when your spouse is having a rough day, or is just exhausted from all the demands of day to day life. These jewels will go a long way toward restoring your marriage, even though they don’t require a lot of time or money. Things like bringing your spouse breakfast in bed, running an errand that he or she forgot, or picking up a quart of your spouse’s favorite ice cream... these are but a few of the small kindnesses that will work wonders for your marriage.

2) Find new activities that you both might enjoy, and take the time to try out those activities together. Couples frequently complain that they no longer share common interests, because they have simply grown apart. The real issue usually isn’t growing apart, though… it’s that the things you used to enjoy together have become stale and boring. Be adventurous and try something together that you never thought you’d try… salsa dancing, skydiving, antiques shopping – anything to restore your connection with your spouse and keep the marriage fresh.

3) Understand that your own personal issues affect your marriage. Ever snapped at your partner because some completely unrelated issue was getting to you? Most likely, you’ve done it at least a few times. We all do it occasionally, but when your personal issues habitually affect how you interact with your spouse, it's time to start dealing with your own emotional issues. You may need to see a counselor, and there’s no shame in discussing your personal issues with a professional. It can be a huge contribution toward saving your failed marriage.

4) Compliment your partner frequently, and say “thank you” more often than you need to. After spending years in a marriage, couples tend focus heavily on the negative aspects of their relationships… and take the good things for granted. Rather than focusing on your spouse's faults, express gratitude for the things he or she contributes to your marriage. Compliments are wonderful too – we all want our spouses to think we’re intelligent, attractive, talented, witty… no matter how confident your spouse seems to be, he or she still wants your reassurance. And when make your spouse’s day with a sincere compliment… you show him or her you’re still the hero you were on your wedding day.

5) When disagreeing with your spouse, try to see things from your partner's perspective (this, my friend, requires listening). You can learn a lot by making an effort to understand how your spouse could perceive the situation differently. Plus, showing that your partner's feelings are important to you will go a long way toward repairing your failed marriage.

Don’t think this means the two of you will never disagree again. That’s not only unrealistic… it would actually be a bad thing. When you disagree respectfully, differences of opinion make your marriage stronger and more engaging. Think about what marriage would be like if the two of you agreed on every single issue. Pretty boring...

6) Concentrate on solutions, not on assessing blame. It usually doesn't matter who started the argument, or who caused the issue. Insisting on laying blame only fosters resentment, which drives an even bigger wedge into your marriage. Instead, focus your energy on finding mutually agreeable solutions. Often, when you shift your focus away from blame, it’s surprisingly easy to find a solution that works for you both.

Using these strategies will help you make an incredible difference in the quality of your marriage For more tips, resources, and inspiration, visit Save the Marriage.

5 Tips to Get Your Ex Back

2009-04-18T13:40:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, if you want to get your ex back, you will need to develop a strategy. Too often, we simply let our emotions dictate our actions... which usually doesn't work out very well.

A focused course like Save the Marriage will help you develop a plan to get your ex back, but here are a few tips to help get you started on the path to restoring your relationship:

1) Allow some space.

Many times, when we see our spouse or partner slipping away, we instinctively want to cling to them - calling them constantly, dropping by every day, sending flowers each morning, etc. While it's natural to want to do this, it's actually counterproductive. You don't want to disappear altogether, of course, but giving the relationship some breathing room can work wonders. It gives your ex the opportunity to see what life would be like without you - and it's probably not as great as he or she thought. It also gives times for emotions to settle so the two of you can address problems in a rational, productive manner.

2) Don't be stubborn.

If you're convinced your spouse is wrong, you might be waiting for them to come back with an apology. While your spouse is probably at least partially at fault, this is not the time to stubbornly demand that the relation come back together under your terms. There was a reason (well, probably several reasons, if you're like most of us) the breakup occurred... but if you want to get your ex back, you're going to have to show some flexibility. Be willing to meet your partner half way... and own your part in the relationship problems. You don't have to be perfect - just be willing to work on some changes.

3) Be adult about the situation.

Showing up at your ex's apartment with tears streaming down your face isn't the best way to renew his or her affections. Neither is leaving angry voicemails or sending emails pleading for him or her to come back. If you're going to get your ex back, be calm and mature about the situation. If wailing and temper tantrums are necessary, do it when no one is around to hear you.

4) Don't change your personality.

When a spouse leaves, many of us think he or she wanted us to be a different person. That's usually not the case - after all, when the two of you first met, your spouse was attracted to you. Changing your personality won't win your ex over, but it will leave you feeling miserable. So don't go buy that Harley just because you heard your ex mention she finds bikers attractive.

5) Take time away from the situation.

It's easy to become obsessed with your plan to get your ex back... but sitting and thinking about it endlessly will drive you nuts (plus it makes room for tons of what-ifs - always a recipe for anxiety). Take a weekend away with friends, drive to the country and pitch a tent, or just go see a movie. Anything that takes your mind off the situation for a while will help you feel better and approach the situation more calmly.

These tips will help set the stage for you to get your ex back. If you want a step-by-step plan (especially is your spouse isn't interested in restoring the marriage right now), I'd recommend a website called Save the Marriage.

Welcome to Get Your Ex Back!

2009-04-10T02:09:00.000-07:00

I'd like to take a moment to welcome you to "Get Your Ex Back". If you've landed on this page, you're probably feeling a lot of anger, sadness, anxiety, frustration, and maybe even guilt right now. That's okay... you're in good company here.

With the economy being what it is, it's very clear to me that there are more couples than ever in trouble. Couples are fighting more.... they're completely stressed out, and they don't have anyone to take it out on but themselves and each other. Unfortunately, this sort of situation usually ends up in divorce or separation.

I've been there - I know how it is to lose a spouse. It's completely devastating. I mean, you make a commitment with another person when you get married... and you both have the best of intentions... but somewhere along the way, the "passion" that brought you together got lost. Where did it all go wrong?

The first thing you need to understand is that it's nobody's "fault". If you and your spouse have separated (or even filed for divorce), then there's probably a lot of finger pointing going on. He's too obsessed with work; she nags about the housework; his friends are crass and obnoxious; she spends too much money....

And then there's the stress of raising children. We love them dearly... but let's face it, raising children takes its toll on even the best of marriages. Suddenly, what was once a romantic relationship becomes eroded - a shadow of its former self. Who has time for romance when there are diapers to change, softball games to coach, and science fair project to salvage?

See, any one issue in a marriage can be resolved. It's when you don't face these issues that the problem begins. You and your spouse just sort of dump them into a pile, hoping they'll go away. Instead, they sit in that pile and fester... becoming more and more toxic... until those "annoyances" fester into downright "deal-breakers".

The good news is, you have the power to turn your relationship around, even if the divorce papers have been filed. By objectively looking at the strategies you need to restore your marriage, you can make profound, nearly-instant change happen - even if you're the only one who wants to save the marriage right now.

If you're wanting to get started right away so you can get your ex back, I recommend a course called Save the Marriage by Dr. Lee Baucom. This course really did save my own marriage (even though my wife had given up on "us"), and the no-nonsense techniques in this course can help save yours too.

The course costs about as much as a dinner out... quite a bit less than you'd spend on "marriage counseling" (and a lot more effective).

I look forward to helping you save your own marriage - you can do it!